A bit of cynicism to match the times:
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep soundly every night,
You are probably the family dog
OBLIQUE STRATEGIES by BRIAN ENO and PETER SCHMIDT
(A wonderful resource for all creative people!)
To find out how to get hold of more, visit
this website.
Here are only the English texts found on the fourth edition Oblique Strategies deck, which
is multilingual:
Abandon desire
Abandon normal instructions
Accept advice
Adding on
A line has two sides
Always the first steps
Ask people to work against their better judgement
Ask your body
Be dirty
Be extravagant
Be less critical
Breathe more deeply
Bridges -build -burn
Change ambiguities to specifics
Change nothing and continue consistently
Change specifics to ambiguities
Consider transitions
Courage!
Cut a vital connection
Decorate, decorate
Destroy nothing; Destroy the most important thing
Discard an axiom
Disciplined self-indulgence
Discover your formulas and abandon them
Display your talent
Distort time
Do nothing for as long as possible
Don't avoid what is easy
Don't break the silence
Don't stress one thing more than another
Do something boring
Do something sudden, destructive and unpredictable
Do the last thing first
Do the words need changing?
Emphasize differences
Emphasize the flaws
Faced with a choice, do both (from Dieter Rot)
Find a safe part and use it as an anchor
Give the game away
Give way to your worst impulse
Go outside. Shut the door.
Go outside. Shut the door.
Go to an extreme, come part way back
How would someone else do it?
How would you have done it?
In total darkness, or in a very large room, very quietly
Is it finished?
Is something missing?
Is the style right?
It is simply a matter or work
Just carry on
Listen to the quiet voice
Look at the order in which you do things
Magnify the most difficult details
Make it more sensual
Make what's perfect more human
Move towards the unimportant
Not building a wall; making a brick
Once the search has begun, something will be found
Only a part, not the whole
Only one element of each kind
Openly resist change
Pae White's non-blank graphic metacard
Question the heroic
Remember quiet evenings
Remove a restriction
Repetition is a form of change
Retrace your steps
Reverse
Simple Subtraction
Slow preparation, fast execution
State the problem as clearly as possible
Take a break
Take away the important parts
The inconsistency principle
The most easily forgotten thing is the most important
Think - inside the work -outside the work
Tidy up
Try faking it (from Stewart Brand)
Turn it upside down
Use an old idea
Use cliches
Use filters
Use something nearby as a model
Use `unqualified' people
Use your own ideas
Voice your suspicions
Water
What context would look right?
What is the simplest solution?
What mistakes did you make last time?
What to increase? What to reduce? What to maintain?
What were you really thinking about just now?
What wouldn't you do?
What would your closest friend do?
When is it for?
Where is the edge?
Which parts can be grouped?
Work at a different speed
Would anyone want it?
Your mistake was a hidden intention
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the
answer, compared to 7% of Stanford University seniors:
What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg,
looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I
guess we finally answered THAT question."
How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at
passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your cheques, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights
up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall
#3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
24) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd
time this week!!!"
25) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
26) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its
the voices in your head that do."
27) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
28) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
George Costanza:
10 commandments for 'working hard':
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for
important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the
false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy*
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send
and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything
remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of
the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get
caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're
teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
* hacky does not apply, I was busted hardcoreˇ|
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not
working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the
observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile
them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document
you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they
want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for
THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a
voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour
when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even
though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed
to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late
before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important
emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under
extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc.
(thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use
the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to
understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT: DON'T let your boss read this.
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2"
in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed
that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into
the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if
the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now,"
said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The
rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health,
your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the
pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your
time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups.Take your partner out dancing. There will always be
time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the
disposal." Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student named Kelly then took the jar which the other
students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a
glass of beer.Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the
jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there
is always room for BEER.
Ten Reasons to go to work Naked:
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever
again.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do
the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what
the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started
shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey,
why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious
but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One
day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on
a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot
was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter
a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally
said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?"
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Not looking
at the results before knowing the current status.
There is nothing
noble in being superior to your fellow men. True nobility is being superior
to your former self.
If you have
been rejected many times in your life, then one more rejection isn't
going to make much difference. If you're rejected, don't automatically
assume it's your fault. The other person may have several reasons for
not doing what you are asking her to do: one of it may have anything
to do with you. Perhaps the person is busy or not feeling well or genuinely
not interested in spending time with you. Rejections ar part of everyday
life. Don't let them bother you. Keep reaching out to others. Keep reaching
out to others. When you begin to receive positive responses, then you
are on the right track. It's all a matter of numbers. Count the positive
responses and forget about the rejections.
People are
aware, but not that bothered.
Why is it those who need the most help are least likely to accept
it?
The most essential
thing in life is to establish a heartfelt communication with others.
REASONS for
TEMPORARY LULLS IN PRODUCTIVE THINKING exhaustion over-work boredom
being out of your league
do you really
know where you're going? do you have a plan-of-action to take the kinks
out of your road to the future?.. you can reach and find happiness.
you can reach for that plain peace-of-mind which you desire all you
have to do is turn the key and open the door.
Antidotes for
loneliness in a goldfish bowl: be easy to get to. appear assured at
all times. see no-one as a rival. compliment those who deserve it. cooperate.
give yourself to someone each day. develop a hobby that occupies your
hands as well as your head. make a point of being happy with people.
never cry over spilt milk. what's done is done. up there in your goldfish
bowl turn to your God and you will find that you were never alone in
the first place.
What will we
mean? Nothing.
If you're frightened
of dying and then you hold on, you'll see devils tearing your life away.
But, if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing
you from the earth.
Think of how
humbling it is to realise that the world wouldn't be the same if one
person did not exist.
You'll never escape him until you let him out.
Girls usually marry men who remind them of their fathers, which is why most
of their mothers cry.
Who's the dumbass?
Is it the person who makes a mistake or is it the person who thinks that
they don't make any?
Donald H. Rumsfeld, the American Secretary of Defence:
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know we don't know.
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